Tuesday, January 30, 2007

DIEt

Experiment: 30 year old woman goes on South Beach Diet for 10 days

I have been a firm believer for the last 7 years or so that dieting is not healthy nor successful. Rather I believe that we should all strive for a healthy life style of nutritious eating (including chocolate cake in moderation), exercise, and mental well being. I am a 30 year old overweight woman who loves her body, not something I came by easily after years of destructive dieting and bulimia. I also want to loose weight so that I can be healthier, get pregnant with ease, have a healthy pregnancy and lower the rating on my life insurance LOL. One would think that a well adjusted intelligent woman like myself would take her own advice and make small healthy changes to her lifestyle.

You would be WRONG. Yes I became frustrated after a month of attempts to make these healthy changes stick. Frustrated with my love for chocolate mm's and carb heavy snacks at night. I heard of this DIEt that would make you loose 9-14 pounds in 2 weeks, and I thought it would be great to loose a chunk of weight quick to act as a motivator and then I would return to a sensible well balanced diet.

10 DAYS. For the last 10 days I have not eaten once slice of bread, one grain of rice, one slice of potato, or crumb (except for the soggy sucked on pieces of baby mum mums I rescued from Kayleigh's highchair) and I have stood on the scale twice a day every day to let it determine how I would feel. I am cranky and exactly 1.5 lbs lighter.

Even more frustrating or rather frightening is that since the start of this DIEt I have been having nightmares where I find myself binging on bagels and muffins and then panicking and searching for a place to throw up. The panic and anxiety is so real. I dream of being in a bathroom with a lock that doesn't work and I can feel the fear of being discovered. Then I awake and I am so very thankful that I am not tied to that demon any longer. But also painfully aware that something lingers for me to dream of this.

Last night while walking home from my painting class I started to think about if this DIEt did work and I was to loose weight. I can honestly say that I was saddened at the thought of loosing this body (not as an excuse to stay overweight), this body that I have come to love. This body that envelopes ME. This body is special and precious just like me. I realize now that my weight, or my physical body is important to me and that it certainly does play a part in how I define myself. I am a big, beautiful, curvy woman that is also creative and funny and so many other things. I thought that I had gotten over that physical definition when I let go of the skinny bulimic me. Maybe the skinny and the fat Katie have a lot more in common than I had thought. Perhaps fat Katie has just learned to love herself.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I thought I was this all knowing, confident and loving... I AM FAT HEAR ME ROAR woman. When really my confidence and love of self can happen independent from my size. Well worth the 1.5 lbs loss and 10 days of frustration to come to this TRUTH.

So today I eat bread, and I stock my kitchen with whole grains and chocolate right along with the turkey and vegetables. And I commit to making small healthy changes in my lifestyle one loving step at a time.

6 comments:

Barb said...

Thank you for sharing your story, Katie. Your honesty and strength inspire me... I'm glad you're back to eating whole grains and fresh fruit and veggies... and chocolate (in moderation!)... and all that other good stuff. Makes sense to me. And the loving who you are, including your body... it's so true. How wonderful for you!

Marlene said...

Katie - it is so wonderful that you have come to this realization. Make small healthy changes and over time you will realize the benefits of those changes. You need to grow into your lifestyle changes so you can sustain them. Good for you!

Barbara said...

I agree with Barb and Marlene. It's all about making better choices for a healthy lifestyle. The pounds may not drop as fast, but you will be healthier for it.

Now, I just need to practise what I preach LOL!

Mellisa said...

I admire that you accept yourself and make peace with the person you are. I admire your healthy mental being. I admire that you love yourself because I love you too!

Robyn~ said...

Oh boy, do I hear you...I hear you loud and clear.

Michelle said...

You are one inspiring woman, Katie!